How your child may react and feel

First reactions are often disbelief, anger (sometimes directed at you) or appearing not to care at all. These are all normal.

How your child reacts will depend on their age, how they normally cope, how much their home-life is changing, and the amount of support around them.

Younger children’s reactions

  • Express grief in small “pockets” often physically or behaviourally and then go on about their play

  • Regress back to younger behaviours (like bed wetting, sucking their thumb)

  • Act as if nothing is happening and use denial as coping

  • Look “okay” on outside, but have a lot going on inside 

  • Worry about who will take care of them and about the other parent’s health

  • Escalate certain fears into phobias

  • Show aggressive play or withdrawn behaviour

  • Experience separation anxiety

  • Perform role plays about being dead or going to a funeral (they do not have adult inhibitions surrounding death) and find this type of play, whilst upsetting for you, a way of making sense of what is happening

    These reactions are the most common, but every child is different


Older Children’s Reactions

  • React more like adults, and are shocked by what you have to say

  • Look “okay” on outside, but have a lot of strong feelings on the inside

  • Not want to be seen as different at school 

  • Easily display irritability and anger, become unusually aggressive, unnaturally quiet or withdrawn

  • Create defence strategies, for example become the class clown, or bully

  • Regress behaviourally and with school performance

  • Become fearful and insecure as they have an increasing awareness of their own mortality

  • Try to be extra good so that you don’t see their worry and sadness

These reactions are the most common, but every child is different

Teenager’s Reactions

  • Struggle for independence and get annoyed by adults telling them how they should be feeling or behaving 

  • Feel self-conscious and not sure of how to handle emotions in public, and within themselves

  • Have increase anxieties about the future, and may question the meaning of life

  • Cope by taking part in risk-taking behaviour

  • Express anger, often compounded by a sense of injustice

  • Become withdrawn and difficult to engage with

  • May feel embarrassed telling their friends about what is happening 

These reactions are the most common, but every child is different

Important Bits To Remember

  • Talking

    Talking with your children provides a chance for them to show you their feelings. When you understand their feelings, it’s easier to help them cope.

  • Insensitive Questions

    Children ask practical questions that might sound strange or insensitive. For example: What’s it like inside a coffin? What does a dead body really look like? Will I be a ghost when I die? It can be reassuring to a child if you discuss them, rather than dismissing them as silly.

  • No Reaction

    If your child gives no reaction, and appears not to have heard the news, know that this reaction isn’t unusual. Often the child is protecting themselves and needs some time to digest the information. Remind them that they can talk to you anytime about it.

  • Extreme Reaction

    If your child’s reactions seem unusual or extreme, ask your care team about getting some expert advice.