Near the end

How they might respond

After initial conversations with children about the seriousness of their parent’s illness, there is often a sense of grief. This is sometimes called pre-bereavement.

Pre-bereavement grief is complex as feelings of hope and optimism can be still felt. Gradually over time these feelings are changed into acceptance. Children begin to accept their parent is going to die.

Children grieve differently from adults. They dip into small ‘pockets’ of grief, whereas adults grieve over long periods of time. 

Your child may feel…

 

  • Sadness and tears tend to rise rapidly and often when you least expect. They might be easily upset by events that would normally be trivial to them.

  • Feelings of fear, not only the fear of death but fear about all of the changes that will be associated with losing their parent.

    Anxiety demonstrated by clingy behaviour and a reluctance to be separated from their parent. Older children may express this in more practical ways, for example by expressing concerns over issues that adults may think of as unimportant.

  • Anger may be directed at people or events which have no connection to the death. It reflects a loss of emotional control. They are likely to be angry about the change in their routine such as being asked to help out more, ask to play quietly, being told planned outings have been cancelled.

  • A sense of intense loneliness. Older children might lose a general sense of purpose in their lives.

  • If their parent has been suffering for a while children may long for their parent to be free of pain and hence, die. This makes them feel guilty.

  • Problems such as disturbed sleep and bad dreams. Memory problems, difficulty concentrating, or being forgetful. Complaints, such as headaches, stomach aches and a general tendency to be run down.

  • If the illness is over a long period, children may resent the focus being on the sick parent as children often think of their needs first.

 

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